I Watched The "Melania" Movie To See If It's As Bad As You'd Think (It's Worse)

Note: This post is an Op-Ed and shares the author's personal views.

Last night, I left an empty chickpea can on my counter. When I came back 30 minutes later, small, black bugs had swarmed the tin and were crawling over my sink. I would rather relive that moment a hundred times over than have to watch another minute of the movie Melania.

Melania, the $75 million documentary made by Amazon-MGM, follows the first lady for 20 days before the inauguration. It’s directed by Brett Ratner, who you might know for Rush Hour and being accused of sexual misconduct (he has denied the allegations).

Melania didn’t offer any press screenings, so I made my way to a Manhattan Regal movie theater at 10.30 a.m. It is still bitterly cold, meaning that this was my stylish look for the occasion. I like this photo because you can feel me questioning every life choice that has led me to this moment.

Before the movie, I went to see the limited edition Regal Melania popcorn bucket. As I held it, I had a flashback to the last time I felt that embarrassed to be somewhere in public, which was when I was drunk in my hometown McDonald's on Christmas Eve. Notice how the bucket’s design leads with “A new film.” That’s what tens of millions in marketing will get you, baby!

As for who else had gone to watch Melania at the crack of dawn, I counted 11 members of the media. One woman in my row said that she was there as a designer friend of hers appeared in the movie, but she was “not a Trumper.” I saw two men come in during the movie. The room was largely empty.

The movie opens with Melania's red bottoms walking the halls of Mar-A-Lago as "Gimme Shelter" by the Rolling Stones plays (the band has previously sent the Trump administration cease-and-desist orders and threatened to sue them over the use of their songs). We follow Melania as she boards the Trump private jet, which boasts a Trump bobble head, to fly to their alarmingly gold New York Trump Tower residence. Melania says the first words of the movie: "Everyone wants to know." So here we are.

Obviously, we never do know. The "documentary" is shot with the style of a music video, or perhaps a screensaver. The titular woman spends the entire movie talking in vague statements, the kind you'd expect from an absent father using ChatGPT to write a wedding speech.

Ostensibly, this movie brushes with heavy topics — the death of her mother, a meeting with an Israeli hostage held by Hamas. But the only time her placid face shows any genuine personality is when she sings along to Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean," though her singing voice is largely drowned out by Brett Ratner behind the camera. Let's consider the one time she addresses the assassination attempt against her husband. She says that "nobody has endured" the past two years he has: "They tried to murder him, incarcerate him, slander him." She adds, "I'm so proud." Wow, get a room, you two!

As a window into the love story of our lifetime, we see a phone call where Melania addresses Donald as "Mr. President." Later on, they discuss their son, Barron. "He's cute," the president says. Melania replies, "Yeah, I love him." Donald says of Melania following her mother's death, "This one had a hard time with that." He jokes about his wife being "difficult." All...scintillating stuff.

Have you ever wondered what it's like to plan an inauguration? According to this movie, it's very dull. Melania selects gold eggs with caviar as the starter for a dinner. She requests adjustments to her inauguration outfit (she wants her hat to be "really sharp"). The most interesting thing I learned in this movie is that the administration has to wait until 12.01 p.m. on inauguration day to move their furniture in. I was in the movie theater for over two hours and that's the best I could come up with.

It is tough to think of a worse time for this movie to have come out. We see Melania talk of the grief of losing her mother, as Renée Good's children mourn her. The first lady talks about the importance of being an immigrant while she walks through the rotunda, as ICE butchers people on the street. She reiterates her dedication to the welfare of children, as a 5-year-old is held in detention. The portion of Trump's inauguration where he committed to preserving the Constitution plays. It would be funny if it weren't so dark.

At one point, a man took the seat in front of me. He didn’t have a notebook and clapped at points, so I asked him once the movie was done if he was there as a fan. He described himself as a former Democrat and current fan of the Trumps, having even attended the inauguration himself. If I came into this as a critic of the administration, what did he think?

"I think it's perfectly well made, a flash into the life of what it's like to be someone of her magnitude," he said. "I thought it was interesting. The opulence was probably one of the things that Trump and their family is most known for. So that's something that I think anyone is interested in."

I left the movie theater and walked back to the subway station. About a hundred people were marching and waving signs: “ICE OUT.” I was back in the real world.